Instances In Which To Shut The Hell Up Already

Disclaimer: These are completely hypothetical and in no way things that I've done in the last week. Cough.

• When someone is trying to start a work meeting, you inquire if the person next to you is having a grand mal seizure or is just being a jackass and then you interrupt the meeting to ask the same person if they took their crazy pills today.

• You get a little pissy with the internet in general due to lack of comments on posts that you think are good! The video quality! And it's not a video camera! It's a digital camera! Oh my god, you are a fucking genius and the first person to post a boring ass video of a kid jumping up and down!!

• You are bragging to anyone who will listen that you have a plethora of new friends and it's just a minor detail that they happen to be spread across the country and you've never met them before.

• You don't stop talking about your blog to people that you refuse to give the web address to such as your family members, making you a self-righteous jerk.

• You insist on continuing to tell someone Happy Birthday even though they are having a minor breakdown regarding said birthday.

• You get a little pissy with your mother because she hasn't returned your voicemail wherein you demand that she take time off work and travel 7 hours in order to help you max out your credit card at Bed Bath & Beyond to decorate your apartment. Geez, it's like she has her own life or something!! The nerve!

This has been an excerpt from my upcoming (imaginary) book, Hicktastic Etiquette. Stay tuned for other chapters.